www.jesusonthetube.co.uk for my Jesus on the Tube website
www.agracefuldeath.blogspot.com for the exhibition A Graceful Death, paintings from the end of life
My three children, bless their furious hearts, are on the one hand wild and unruly, they have much to say for themselves and give me a pretty rough time from time to time. On the other hand, they really know how to love, they think for themselves and they are not afraid of life. They are fascinating and funny and clever. They also don't think I know anything at all and have many jolly conversations amongst themselves about how clueless and amusing I am as I live as a Fairy in this world of Wolves. I expect all youngsters need to feel their parent is slightly retarded so that they can leave them and find out for themselves. I may seem a Fairy, I have been known to say with a chuckle as I pass amongst them as they eat my food and watch my telly, but I know how to do Wolf if I need to. A gentle, fairy-ish kind of wolf, but they don't need to know that.
So. More about these Fights. I have, as we all know, two rioting sons. It is hard work to keep one step ahead of them, and keep myself calm in order to deal with them. I have to fight them because I don't always agree with what they are doing or have done. I love them dearly but they are so very sure that they can get away with anything, because they are blessed with superior knowledge and anyway, nasty things and unpleasant situations go away if you ignore them. Or punch them. I remember my 20 year old Daughter being very angy and utterly without boundaries. She is now in a good job, being seconded to university, lives in a nice flat and has probably lived more life in her teens than most of us do in our whole lives. I think of her for comfort when her brothers are hell bent on teaching us all a lesson and following their furious and misunderstood hearts. There is, I think to myself, possibly, hope.
I have to stand firm too in the face of some fierce personal criticism about how I live and what I have done to make my sons riot. That is not easy but I can do it. I do so dislike fighting, and this criticism when it comes, is a very big fight. Boundaries are the answer here, and I am very glad I have been practicing.
So where shall we leave this account today? On an up, I say. My kitchen is nearly done and it is looking fabulous. Both boys are upstairs, the 14 year old is ill and the 17 year old is still recovering from the shock of being on the streets. Fine. I know where they are and while they are asleep there can be no fighting or idiocy. The builders are not here today so I have my house to myself. Eileen comes for the weekend and that is always good. We are doing our Fair on Sunday in Arundel and I think I have done enough for that, so much so that I am giving myself a day off to clean the house today. And, that is a relief. I don't like mess and dirt and disruption, and any building work can test the sanity of the home owner, despite my two builders being the nicest fellows you can wish for. So by the end of today my house will look like Doris Day has got hold of it and done a makeover. And my life, oh my life - it is mine and mine alone. How about that.