Friday 12 June 2009

Adrift A Little, In A Pocket Of Calm Before Tons Of Stuff Happens At Once

I finished the Jesus on the Tube last night. I emailed the finished image this morning to the commissioning family and am now waiting for approval before framing it. And that could be before midday today, or tomorrow morning early. Before collecting my clean and altered ball dress. And getting to Brighton to meet 19 year old daughter. While 12 year old son gets train to Brighton after school at midday too. Oh Lordy. Was the human mind built for such complication. And the Ball is tomorrow. And on Sunday plans are still in the making, all of which mean lots of hard work and rushing about.

The Calm I am in now is a weary place to be. I am weary and low and have come to the end of a long period of painting and creating. I took it easy this morning, and had a bath in the sunshine and got dressed slowly. But something made me sigh and want to dream and think. The bath would have to end, the sun would go in, I would have to find more work. Even if I run every day I will never have nice legs. I am getting older and have so much more to do, and when I try and make a list of these things, they evaporate like a mist and I cannot catch them.

So today I am looking lovely in my studio. My hair is clean, I have Rose Talc and Daisy Perfume on. I am wearing a lovely Rajasthan skirt in bright red and colourful embroidery, and my toenails are painted. All this is to keep the show going. I can scrub up very nicely, but I still am tired and low, and despite having worked so hard, have to start all over again and find more. It feels as if there is only More To Do.

However, I expect I will feel better by tonight. I am going to Brighton today too, as well as tomorrow, and meeting my dear American friends for lunch. I hope I don't droop wistfully over the starters and look sadly into the middle distance. I will be meeting my ever wonderful daughter today too, after the lunch and she always makes me feel good. She understands the need to buy earrings, teapots, red things and lipstick when the going gets tough. Alan will drive me home later and eventually, eventually, tonight, I can go to sleep and let today settle in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes I think, these sad days are necessary, they are the where we gather strength in order to move forward.

Perhaps at the back of my mind is the exhibition that must be prepared, about Steve and his final days. It will mean going into a state of mind full of memories and the impossible ending of a dream that will be important to make these paintings work.

Now, to the station. Time to get a train and take part in the day.

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