Thursday 2 April 2009

Going to London Today

No work in the Studio today. I am out of it doing fetching and carrying duties. I would like to have an easy life, and have servants to do everything for me. But I will see my lovely old Dad today and my admirable and tower of strength brother, and will have Daughter and Youngest Son with me all day. That will be nice. And all the while the Ross Family Portrait will not paint itself and I will not think about it. Not once. Not even every ten minutes. It is under control. As ever.

Sometimes I wake up and consider everything a challenge. Not big challenges to get over and stand triumphantly with my hands on my hips and a self conscious grin suggesting "Shucks. I did it again. Goddam. I just can't help it". These are teeny difficult challenges like Why is Food an Enemy? How can I Do Anything At All When my Time Is Taken Up With Trivia? Why Do I Feel Lonely? Is Anything I Do Really Worth It? These little niggling challenges are the kind that sit on your shoulder and whisper in your ear that you are not good enough. The way to deal with them is to decide they are not challenges at all, just nonsense and as such get on with the day. Hard though. And have something to look forward to.

Today is a good long family day, and there is much travelling to be done. I go to London, to Teddington, to Dorking and Home again. Delivering various people to other various people, and having dinner out too. Tomorrow I can sit all day in my studio and paint and in the evening Alan will come and it will be a good end to a good day. Sigh. Onwards and upwards. My rewards will be many. Sigh.

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