Friday, 30 April 2010

From The Glory Of Bognor Regis To The Magnificence Of Crieff

www.agracefuldeath.blogspot.com for the latest on the A Graceful Death exhibition next showing in Oxford in July
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Bognor Has Met It's Match.

Today Alan took me out of my Comfort Zone in Bognor and whisked me to Scotland for four days. In Bognor, I know where the shops are. I know where the end of the road is, and I know how the sun will set and how the sun will rise but sometimes, sometimes, it gets a little boring. I wake up to Bognor most mornings, and go to sleep in Bognor Regis most evenings and I can get into a bit of a rut. I can, if I am honest, forget which day it is and lose the Sharp Edge I try to cultivate so that I can Get On. I can become slow and ponderous and find myself in the kitchen too much, looking for A Snack.

Alan took, has taken me, to Crieff. We are in a magnificent hotel which has not just one pool, but two. It has a posh restaurant, and squash courst, and tennis, and mountain biking, and get this. Just how perfect is this? One of the pools is for over 18s only. It is actually Locked. Locked! Once you book your place in the Locked Pool For Adults, they Unlock it and in you go. Towels provided. Sun loungers (the beds, not the people) and utter silence too. It is kept locked in case a 0 - 17 year old takes a running lunge at it and tries to get in. No! They are repelled and all those who can prove their eligibility quake with mirth and glee from inside. It must be very satisfying to hear the thud of Underaged Bodies Bouncing off the Door every now and again as you snooze with the Scottish Times over your face and your copy of the Oldie dangling from your hand, from the right side of the door.

We left early this morning after I had fed the French Student and 13 Year Old Son a huge cooked breakfast. I fear they will never eat again if I am not there to make it happen. I needed to see them put plate loads of sausage, egg and bacon into their polite little mouths so that even if my worst fears came true, and they did not eat again because I was not there, then they would at least last till 4pm before they started on the downward spiral into madness and starvation. Alan and I arrived at the airport nice and early and had an uneventful journey to Scotland and now I am sitting in bed, with Alan, eating jelly beans the hotel has provided as a Perk, and writing my account of this wonderful day. As I got into our extremely large purple and cream bed, I noticed that there were three sets of pillows. Two for Alan's side, two for my side and two for the middle. I wonder if this hotel likes to save on staff accommodation and each room gets a different employee to join them at some point during the night. We shall see.

I have had loads of texts from 20 Year Old Daughter, 16 Year Old Son and 13 Year Old Son. They are all extemely hungry and at least two of the above are suicidally depressed for one reason or another. It is Ok though, the French Student is Stern and Tough and has not sent me any complaints or thoughts on how bad his life is until Tuesday and I come home. So at least one member of my household is bearing up.

I am not a sentimental mother. I am hugely enjoying my time here with Alan, and have to say he is a Star for doing this. And because he has lost weight he is looking very craggy (ish) and even more attractive than before. And my unsentimentality has made me blase about my dear children pining and weeping in Bognor without me. I texted them that I was having a Whale Of A Time and I was sorry to hear of their misery etc etc.

Alan has thrown the jelly beans in their jar onto the floor in a bid not to eat them all right now. It is time we put them far far away and then jumped back into our posh Crieff bed and awaited the possible arrival a member of staff to explain away the third set of pillows on our bed.

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