A Few Dainty Profanities Outside Lambeth Palace And A Cracking Time Inside

http://www.antoniarolls.co.uk/ for my website
http://www.jesusonthetube.co.uk/ for my other website
http://www.agracefuldeath.blogspot.com/ for the exhibition A Graceful Death, paintings of the end of a life

A Few Dainty Profanities Outside Lambeth Palace And A Cracking Time Inside

I was up at 5.30 am yesterday to take 20 Year Old Daughter to her University interview.  By 5.45am I had my hair washed and my party frock on.  I had my High Shoes in my Bag, and a change of lipstick if I needed it.  At 6.30 that evening, Costya the Teenage Overlord and I were going to the Archbishop of Canterbury's Garden Party.  I was ready nearly 13 hours in advance.  Bring it on Rowan, I said, as I chose from my Marks and Spencers Jingly Jewellery the red earrings, necklace and bracelet. 

The plan was -

• 
  
  Take Amazing 20 Year Old Daughter to her University Interview in Brighton at 9.00am.  Select with her the most serious and academic of her pink and glittery outfits.  Not Dolly Parton, we decided.  More Doris Day.  20 Year Old Daughter is not to be underestimated.  She may be a good 6' tall, utterly blonde, and very funny but she is sharp as a razor and frighteningly clever.
• 
  
  (We're very alike)
• 
  
  Go to the Glorious Clarissa's!  Oh what a boost to an Artist's Day.  She and I were to go over my Budget for A Glorious Death (I mean the Exhibition, not a Planned Assassination)
• 
  
  Then on to Westminster to meet the Teenage Overlord and go to the Archbishop's Reception In the Garden. 
• 
  
  After which, when the Archbishop has finished taking notes on How To Proceed In the Anglican Church from Costya, we were to get the car from Clarissa's, go to my Fabby Sister In Law and move Costya out for the Summer and pack up the car with all his Stuff.  Home, with Costya, all his Stuff, in Bognor Regis, by about Early Hours ofTomorrow Morning.

As Costya and I walked up to Lambeth Palace I twisted my ankle and went Splat onto the pavement.  My bag with the High Shoes and Lipstick and Handy Novel In Case No One Talked To Me went flying and I thought my foot had come off.  This is where, over the wall inside the Palace, the guests would have heard as they sipped their lovely wine and ate their delightful canapes, "Bugger Pooh Bum Willy Face Aaaarg" coming from the street outside.  In these circumstances no one falls gracefully.  I went over like a 56lb bag of potatoes with an loud Thump under Costya's feet.  It didn't matter that I wore my best blue and white spotty dress, it didn't matter that my earrings were red, I looked like a Graceless Attention Seeker That Couldn't Hold Her Drink and had Forgotten To Take Her Prescription. 

As I lay on the ground making Childbirth Sounds, people carefully stepped over me in case I was Catching.  Costya bent over me with his hands on his knees and said " Shall we go in now?"  I got up and put my mangled foot back into my shoe and collected my belongings and Whimpered A Lot. Grasping Costya's arm I made myself walk for a little while - why?  Well, because I still had a pair of High Heeled Sandles to Put On and the Archbishop's Party to go to!  I had to make sure I could do it without fainting with pain. 

I am sure you all know me by now.  I put those Goddam Shoes on and thought of all those people for whom the Show Must Go On, and on Costya's Arm, I went into Lambeth Palace.

The Party was excellent.  We met a married couple who were lawyers.  They had so much common interest with each other it made me think there was a future in marriage.  Mr Lawyer said they spent ages chatting about Points of Law and he had such a nice face, I thought that must have been bliss for them both.  We met a lovely Lady Vicar who has two degrees, lovely eyes and is on the Archbishop's staff.  She is married to a mathemetician and I wondered if I would understand their Chats Over Dinner, if ever I was present.  Such a clever and kind lady.  We saw Moira Stewart and I was too shy to go and tell her how beautiful she is.  Let me tell you, she is Gorgeous.  Her skirt was bright red and came to just above her ankles.  ( Her ankles were the same size.  One of her ankles was not swelling and mutating by the minute.  She could stand comfortably on both feet and not suck in her breath.)  Her top was fitted and black.  She walked like a Queen and one day I will tell her she is very yummy.  We met a writer/website designer/mother/ex TV presenter called Jenna Cox and her husband the physicist Brian Cox, and were wowed by her purple tights and high shoes with white ribbons tied in bows.  And, her blouse was made of silk.  She looked very good indeed and I wanted her blouse to take home. 

We met another lady who was an actress and whose face I knew - now she was very beautiful - but whose name I didn't.  We met two absolutely lovely nuns who were very cleverly in sensible shoes and fleeces (it got very cold as the evening went on but Artists With One Elephant Ankle and Socialising To Do don't give in, they just pretend they are Shivering With The Excitement Of Life).  Nuns are very special.  I love meeting nuns, and they knew about Jesus on the Tube so I loved them even more.  And we met a very nice Man of the Cloth and his fascinating wife who works in Palliative Care.  She had much to say and I hope she emails me some of her thoughts for A Graceful Death.  She was a very interesting lady.

Soon it became obvious the Archbishop and his Family and Staff wanted to go to bed so Costya and I left with a flurry of wit and colour.  Outside the palace I took off my high shoes, grabbed the Teenage Overlord's arm and staggered off into the night.

Costya was a total pleasure to be with.  He is (of course) tall and handsome, but he is interesting, funny and very good at listening.  Everyone at the Garden Party liked him, and I was so proud of him.  We will go to more, he and I. 

Today, I can hardly walk.  I am due to cycle to my Dear Friends house (7 miles), cycle together another few miles to Lunch which he is buying to Cheer Me Up, cycle back those few miles, then for me to cycle home (7 miles) so that I can go to my meeting at the Hospice by 3.30 with the very inspirational Artist in Residence there.  By tonight I will be a Cabbage.  I won't be able to feed the French Student.  He will have to have Shreddies because I won't be able to a) walk b) move c) talk d) function.

I wonder how many of the guests last night knew the Profanities they heard from outside the wall came from the Shivering Artist with an Ominous Ankle who appeared holding onto a tall handsome blond Russian fellow (Costya.   The Teenage Overlord.) seconds later.  Wonder if they mentally noted down the phrases for later use in trying circumstances of their own.