This Is The Life For Me

http://www.antoniarolls.co.uk/ for  my website
http://www.jesusonthetube.co.uk/ for my other website
http://www.agracefuldeath.blogspot.com/ for the exhibition A Graceful Death, paintings from the end of a life
antonia.rolls1@btinternet.com to email me

This Is The Life For Me

Quite literally, this is the life for me.  It is the only life I have.  Whether I like it or not, whether it is going well or not, it is the the only one I have.  So I have woken this morning thinking that it does not, and never has, belonged to anyone else and since I am the Owner of it, it is mine to command.

That said, having a Life is not an aggressive act.  It is a little fact that I have overlooked and though I would like to have spent it with Alan, I am not going to and therefore what is left to me is The Rest Of My Life.  And I shall make it work for me in the best possible way, starting from Today.  I have gained from my time with Alan, not lost.  So my life will go forward with a wonderful love behind me, and possible love ahead.  It is not every man that you part with and think of with such kindness, fondness and admiration.  Alan is, and was to  me, remarkable and wonderful.  So you see, my life ahead is going to be good.  I have no pain and anguish to put behind me, no bad times.  I have good times to remember and the platform of the love of a good man to work from, and from there I can really fly. 

So.  What Now.  Thoughts -

• 
  
  Yesterday I had lunch with my Elderly Dad, who is, still, very eccentric.  He tells me he loves me, and he is clearing his flat out and that makes me feel he is entering the final years of his life. It is time to visit him more often.  He gave me an old fur lined driving coat belonging to my step grandmother, and I am very touched.  It looked like a  an animal asleep on the chair, so I was relieved when he picked it up and told me it was a coat.  It would have been a Bad Idea if Elderly Dad had decided to own a Mangy Lion in his remaining years in his flat in Teddington.
• 
  
  Tea with Sister In Law.  Love my Sister In Law.  We are in the same boat with men, she and I, so we had a good long grown up talk about How To Move On and What To Wear While Doing It.  (New clothes always help).
• 
  
  On to the Glorious Clarissa's!  Dinner with the Glorious Clarissa and the Remarkably Handsome Billy, who is her suave and sohpisticated Handy Man.  Remarkably Handsome Billy and Clarissa have known each other for years and years, and I joined in the conversation last night with delight.  Remarkably Handsome Billy, who wore just the right shade of blue in his shirt, entertained us with an account of how he met his beautiful Lady, Henrietta, who though I have not met her, sounds absolutely Wonderful.  By all accounts, Clarissa says, they make a Fabulous Couple.
• 
  
  Today, 13 Year Old Son makes his way by train to Pulborough.  His Grandmother will wait at Pulborough with a flask of tea, a good book and a blanket because there is no knowing where 13 Year Old Son will actually go to.  He is a law unto himself when it comes to travel. She may have to wait for days and days for him to arrive.
• 
  
  Oxford for Clarissa and Me!  Hooray!  We have no plan, we are just Going.  There is a rumour that A Graceful Death will be shown there but it seems very haphazard so we are going to check.  "Is A Graceful Death part of this Festival?"  "Maybe."  "Ok, lets go out to lunch Clarissa."

A very sensible and satisfying decision came to me while talking to the Glorious Clarissa and the Remarkably Handsome Billy last night.  I am going to do nothing at all for four weeks.  I am just going to Feel all the Feelings that I have tried to avoid about Steve.  Added to this are the Feelings of Loss over Alan.  It would be easy (and oh so tempting) to cause a huge distraction for myself by whizzing about all over the place and flirting madly and being an Avoider Of Sadness.  So to take four weeks and let it all happen is the best idea, and if an extension is needed, then I will take another four weeks.  Onwards and Upwards!